depression series

Hi,

The things that have been helping me with depression lately are:

• seafood
• pizza

Definitely fact check me on this but I hear that there are food that can actually help naturally with depression. I actually have bipolar disorder, so it may not be the same. A placebo effect is still an effect though, am I right? 

I am grateful for friends who never give up on me. 

Best,
Faith

Coping

Hey there,

It's almost Christmas. I hope you are having a lovely holiday.

My family is christian so I usually spend the holidays with them, but on my own I don't really celebrate Christmas. I'm an atheist. It's an identity I grapple with, but it's still true nonetheless.

I live in circumstances I don't like: I have a mental illness, suffer from chronic pain, and am a college dropout. I plan on returning to school, but my failure so far does make me wonder if I am struggling, if I am not strong enough to go through what I went through and stay in school because I don't follow a religion or believe in any god. I don't believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. And even if a man named Jesus died on a cross and said it was for our sins, as history documents, I still don't believe that there was any power behind it.

Sometimes I think, there are people who live terrible terrible lives we still believe and there are people who don't. People who live wonderful lives who believe and people who don't. The quality of my life doesn't cause me to reject god or Jesus. It's just that I don't believe. And I've tried believing. I just don't believe the way other christians and believers do.

About myself

• The year is coming to an end
• Writing has always been an outlet for me
• Life is changing all the time, and I'm not sure these days how or when I'll change next. 

Hi there! 

Let this blog be a series of letters to you. You personally. 

I love writing letters and somehow I think there is a population out there that enjoys receiving them. As this project evolves, I only hope that you with stick along for the journey. My writing began in an unusual way: copying song lyrics. I would sit in front of the radio all day and write down the words to my favorite songs. I'd listen to the morning cycles, the afternoon cycles, the Hot 5 at 5, top 40 cycle, and round out the night with the remix sessions. I kept lists of each song I liked and eventually tried to write my own songs. So many were bad. 

In the 4th grade, I joined a poetry club. I remember feeling happy there. I don't remember that teacher but I'm thankful for her. Lately, gratitude has been a struggle for me. When I would get like this before, I would just default to a journal or, in worse cases, pour my heart to strangers on forums or email. Talk my friends' ears off. I would draw, too, and soon the things I wrote, spoke, created, and listened to all seemed like one entity. All part of a bigger picture that was my essence: me. This sense of oneness I began to experience, in retrospect, felt like a small and secret paradise for myself. When my boyfriend broke up with me in high school, I lost that paradise. My thoughts were so negative, riddled with pain and that one entity I initially described--it felt like a void. I often wonder why my happy place went away with him. Maybe it is because I had let him inside of it and, once he left, I could not get rid of the bad memories. I abandoned that mental space and was never able to restore it.

Now there is a new paradise I have created. It began with the visual of a waterfall. The waterfall represents all of my urges, and impulses, all my reactions, past pain that still haunts me...my mistakes and guilt. A racing mind can be harmful in a way that's similar to how rushing water can be deadly to those in its wake. But, beside the water, next to the waterfall, even in the cove behind the waterfall...it's beautiful. Beautiful among the river and trees, the moon and stars. Beautiful with the right perspective. And maybe the negativity in my life can be that way. 

Gradually, my way of writing and feeling is starting to seem compatible again. The negative thoughts that fill me sometimes now have a place to go in the larger picture and I have room again to write about other things, like my actual life, how it's going, and what I reflect on. I'm here to write to you about my experiences and feelings. I find letter-writing to be a healing exercise. I hope my stories help you. Please write back. What are you up to? :) 

Goodnight,

Waterfall Girl